Have you ever been too excited to sleep?
Sadly, up until recently, I’ve had very few experiences with such nights. I did have many on the complete other end of the spectrum, though.
Too anxious to sleep.
Anxiety is a weird ball of energy, isn’t it? I mean, it seems all-consuming, like a fire that cannot be extinguished. You know, like a grease fire ablaze in your frying pan on your stove top and all you’ve got is water. Or, rather, like the unruly forest fire after a long drought.
Anxiety is mean!
You’re probably wondering what some guy who loves on horses, writes books and poetry, travels the world and otherwise appears quite carefree, knows about anxiety. Why would a blog about anxiety have the title, “Exuberant”…?
Having lived the majority of my life plagued by one form of anxiety or another, I know a thing or two about it. What’s more is that, just like the forest fire, it has no boundaries—it pierces the borders of generations, consuming all combustible items in its path. I certainly wasn’t fireproof, nor were my own children. In some respects I feel as if the torch of anxiety is passed from generation to generation upon birth, just like the start of the Olympic games but with no grand ceremony. It just happens.
Years…maybe decades later, you’re wondering why you can’t sleep. You wonder why you’re so agitated all the time. You wonder why life feels so heavy and pointless.
For me, anxiety manifested itself in some pretty crazy ways. I’ll let you in on a little secret though, anxiety is merely a symptom. It’s not a cause.
I find it absolutely baffling that I had to exist over four decades of life to finally begin (just barely) to understand that everything I could possibly desire in life has been nicely packaged within me. I recall a verse in the Christian Bible saying something like, “the kingdom of God is within you.”
Take that to heart. Literally.
You have everything you need and desire within you right now, in this very moment. We all do.
The truth is that we keep closed off to the beautiful freedom of grace, the windows and doors shut and taped off as if preparing for chemical warfare.
Life doesn’t have to be that way. I’m living proof.
Back to the title of this blog post…Exuberant.
Have you ever truly felt that?
Dictionary.com defines this adjective as, effusively and almost uninhibitedly enthusiastic; lavishly abundant.
Wow! I like that.
I’m now living an Exuberant life. When negative energies come about, they don’t consume me. It’s as if I’ve been promoted to fire chief of my own exuberant well being. No wild fire is going to take hold here.
You’re probably curious…how did you do it, Jason?
The truth is, I don’t know. Other than staring death in the face, taunting it, calling to it, desiring it…Grace came over me and I allowed it. I became silent enough within my own being…day after day…week after week…year after year. Experiencing just a bit more each day. Even though it often felt like one step forward an an innumerable amount back.
It’s not something I did.
It’s what I stopped doing.
You can too.